One Fucked Up Family
by ElZacharie
Summary: The Vault Hunters haven't been together long, but that doesn't make them less of a family. One fucked up family, but still. A collection of drabbles about the day-to-day lives of the BL2 Vault Hunters. Abandoned.
1. No, I didn't shave your wife

(i'm on tumblr as gayrretthawke and on ao3 as Bruh, formerly Danes)

* * *

"Hey, Maya," Gaige piped up one night from the bunk above Maya. "Is something, you know... wrong with Axton?"

That was not a question she was expecting. The Siren looked up from her book and frowned in thought. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, like... the guy was military, right? Surrounded by guns firing without ear protection? When I get back from a mission, my ears are ringing like, well, y'know."

"Uh huh. What does that have to do with anything?"

Gaige popped her head from the top, her hair out of it's usual ponytails. "Do you think Axton has hearing problems?"

Maya opened her mouth to reply, but nothing came out. She was starting to get what the young mechanic was hinting at; Axton yelled almost all the time, even outside of battle, and didn't seem to register what they were saying at times unless the repeated themselves.

"Ah, you don't know. I'll ask tomorrow. Night, nerd," Gaige chirped, taking her silence as affirmation. Within moments, the young girl had fallen asleep, leaving the siren with her thoughts.

* * *

As soon as she woke up, Gaige was on mission, a dangerous look in her eyes. As soon as she'd gotten dressed, she head into the common area, where Salvador was making an omelette, Zer0 was polishing his gun, and Axton was laying on the couch with his feet up.

"Heyyyy, Axtoooon," Gaige cooed, sliding up next to the commando, who gave her a wary look. "I've got a question for you!"

Axton shot a look at Maya, who stood in the doorway with her arms shrugged, before answering. "Shoot, kid."

"Do you have a bullet in your ear?"

"Jeez-us," Maya muttered, hiding her face in her hands. Salvador bit back a laugh while Zer0's hologram changed to a question mark.

"Excuse me?"

"I saiiid-" Gaige raised her voice, "Do you have a bullet in your ear?!"

"I- what?! No! I heard you the first time!" Axton sat up, looking confused and put off. "What are you even talking about?! Do you have something to do with this?!" He looked accusingly at Maya, who raised her hands defensively.

Salvador crowed at that. "Axton, amigo, you can't hear shit! That's what she's saying!"

The commando's face went bright red as he stuttered. "I- I- I- I can hear! You guys don't know what you're talking about!"

"You're always yelling!" Gaige cackled. "Even now, you're yelling! You couldn't hear me if sounded a horn in your ear!"

Zer0, surprisingly, joined in on the laughter, causing Axton's face to go bright red. It almost seemed like he was about to cry.

Suddenly, the commando shot up and stomped out of the room, shoving past Krieg as he entered, though it didn't seem the others had gotten over their giggling fits.

"The axe man has vessels bursting with blood," the psycho growled under his breath. "The furnace in his belly is melting!"

"Yeah," Maya sighed. "I should go talk to him. He did seem upset..."

Krieg nodded in understanding and let Maya pass by.

* * *

Maya found Axton in the back of Moxxi's bar, surrounded by empty beer bottles and glaring at anyone who wasn't carrying his next round that dared to approach. He glared especially hard at Maya when she sat down next to him, only to be met by stale silence.

"My father was deaf."

The answer came as a surprise. "What?"

"My father. He went deaf when I was a teenager. And I hated him for it. I despised the fact he couldn't hear a word I said, and he knew it. I refused to learn sign language with the rest of my family, and talked shit about him to his face. I wasn't a good kid."

Maya could only stare. Why was she telling her this?

"As stupid as it was, I vowed never to go deaf. I guess I just wasn't able to cope with the fact my father could never hear me say 'I love you' again. And it stuck with me. When you guys were laughing at me, it..."

The Adam's apple in Axton's throat bobbed, his eyes watered, and his voice wavered. "It reminded me of my father, and it made me so fucking angry. I mean, they warned me not wearing earplugs would affect my hearing, but I didn't listen." He laughed at his own joke.

"Axton... They weren't trying to make you upset..."

"No, no, it's okay... I overreacted. Thanks for listening." He smiled. "I should head back. I don't want Sal getting into my magazines. Your boyfriend might be tearing up the place, too," he added with a wink.


	2. He's like a newborn

Maya smiled at the psycho, who stared at her with wary surprise. It was surprising, to say the least, that he'd spoken so coherently before. There was something about the man that drew her to him.

The train made a warning sound, the gears getting ready to begin moving. The psycho whipped his head towards the train, then slowly met her eyes again, a sadness permeating in his own. Huh.

"You can come, if you want," she said. He perked up a little. "You might have to sit in the back; I doubt the other vault hunters will be too happy about a bandit on board, but I'll tell them you're with me if they make a fuss. I'd rather not have to do that 'til later, though."

The psycho nodded and hopped onto the train without a word, moving towards the back. Maya sighed to herself. She needed to stop being so maternal.

* * *

The psycho didn't remember the last time he'd been on a train, much less a seat that wasn't covered in blood. He was in the car behind the siren's own, where he could just barely hear laughter and talking over the sound of the engine.

 _Maybe someday it'll be okay for us to sit up there with the rest of them._

Instead of dwelling on it, the man glared at the passing scenery.

He wasn't quite sure when he'd fallen asleep, but the sky had begun to get dark with a snowstorm when a crash startled him to consciousness.

"Ow... that really hurt..." a young girl's voice muttered. The psycho stood, holding his axe near his hip, and went to investigate.

A young girl, barely 18, wearing cleaner clothing than he'd seen in his life, lay on the floor rubbing her hip, presumably having had fallen from the baggage hold above them.

She glanced up at him and smiled warily. "Uh. Hi there. Can you help me? I landed on my arm and it really hurts."

The psycho offered her a hand, which she took with a prosthetic metal arm- jeez, it was times like these he remembered how huge his hands were.

"Thanks, uh, big guy. My name's Gaige. If that matters. You haven't killed me yet, so I guess it does." The girl smiled. "You got a name."

"I am the one whose name will be on your lips when your rib cage is ripped open as I feast upon your precious meat!"

Translation: no idea.

The girl was taken aback, but the fact he'd holstered his axe told her he was safe. "Uh, okay, so you don't have one, I guess. Well, then, I guess we'll just have to-

There was an explosion, and the world went white.

* * *

"He's still breathing."

"He looks too heavy to carry..."

"Not if we all pitch in. Come on. Gaige, Maya, you get his legs. Zer0 and I'll get his arms. Salvador, see if you can't get his body out the snow."

The psycho's eyes fluttered open, only to find himself surrounded by mostly unfamiliar faces. A blonde man, who was sitting the closest to him, smirked at him. "Well, good mornin', sleepin' beauty. Have a nice nap?"

The siren scoffed and kicked him lightly, though the man took it with a laugh. The psycho coughed and sat up, in spite of the ache in his bones.

"Where...?"

"Our 'employer', Handsome Jack, set up a trap. He sent us here to die," the man immediately supplied, helping him stay upright. "But we're not. And there's a robot waiting on us to get us to some place called 'Sanctuary'. And your girl Maya didn't want to leave you behind."

The siren turned away with a blush; he figured that she was Maya.

"I've been told you met Gaige, too-" the young girl from earlier waved and smiled, "so I'll introduce the rest. Shorty's Salvador, dude in the suit spewing haikus is Zer0, with a number at the end, apparently, and I'm Axton. Got a name?"

"He yelled something about ribcages and stuff when I asked him, and looked really embarrassed," Gaige piped up, "so I assume the answer is no."

The psycho nodded in affirmation.

"Huh. That's a dilemma. Anybody got some ideas? We can't just call him 'dude' or 'psycho'..."

"Why not Krieg?" Maya suggested. "He's a violent guy. It fits him."

The others agreed, and then, when he finally got on both feet, they were off.

Krieg.

He liked that name.

It made him remember something.


	3. Arm prisons

Moments like this, quiet moments where they didn't have to worry about any danger coming to them, were coming on more and more often after Jack's defeat.

Krieg and Maya had spent the night together in the apartment next to the headquarters, where they'd begun building an impromptu home. It was mostly just a mattress and a few random pieces of furniture, but it had working appliances, which was the least they could ask for.

The sun filtered in through the blinds, waking Maya from her slumber. Krieg's arms tightened around her, murmuring something unintelligible in his sleep.

"Baby," Maya yawned, patting his arm. "Let go. I need to get dressed."

The psycho grunted and tightened his grip, nudging his nose into her shoulder blades and wrapping his legs around her waist.

"Krieg," she warned, slapping his arm. "Wake up. I gotta pee."

No response. Great. Maya would try wriggling out of his grip, or just crawling out of bed, but she'd tried that before. It didn't end well the first times she tried.

After a few minutes of being held captive by her boyfriend, the siren began to fall back asleep. A minute later, the door to their bedroom was kicked open.

"Wake up, puta de madres! It's time for-!"

Maya shrieked, effectively waking a very confused Krieg, and scrambled to grab the sheets to cover their nude bodies. The rest of the team gathered behind Salvador, curious to see what the commotion was.

"What the fuck, you guys?! Couldn't you knock!" Maya cried.

Axton, Salvador, and Gaige were too busy staring to reply, so Zer0 spoke for them. "Salvador and Mordecai made breakfast; Sal wanted to wake you two. But I see you both had a busy night.

If Maya thought her face was red, Krieg's looked as though he'd been sunburned. "Still... why didn't you guys knock?" she asked again, tightening the blanket around her breasts.

"Uh." Salvador finally looked away. "Well, uh, I..."

"Th-that's just Sal for you, haha!" Axton filled in for him. "Always breaking down doors and stuff! I-I'll fix that later, by the way."

"Guys, I heard screaming. What's going- oh!" Oh great. Lilith and the other two vault hunters had crowded into the door, Mordecai wearing a huge, shit-eating grin on his face.

"Heyyy, amigo, you get some last night?"

Krieg's response was to sink into the sheets until he wasn't in sight anymore.

"Ooh! Ooh! What's goin' on in here!" Tina's voice cried, her head popping up between Zer0 and Salvador. Maya groaned. Could this day get any worse. "Ooh! Girl! You and him? Him and you? Ooooh! That's too bad, I could've shown you some shit, like damn!"

"Please go," Maya whispered, joining Krieg beneath the sheets.

"DOG PILE!" Tina suddenly yelled, jumping on top of Krieg with a grunt. "Dang, boy you like a washboard!"

With Tina on them already, the rest joined, smothering the two lovers beneath them until Krieg began yelling about murdering them all.


	4. BIRB

Of all the people he could've befriended in the new team of vault hunters, the fact that Mordecai and Krieg were almost glued to each other caught everyone by surprise.

When Bloodwing died, Krieg scavenged a few of her feathers and, after giving a few to Mordecai that he put into his dreads, tied one to his axe.

Now, they were camped out near the Reserve, watching two birds of Bloodwing's own species tend to a nest.

"Now, we gotta wait until they leave the nest to go and grab an egg," the sniper whispered to the psycho, who wasn't paying any attention to him. "This could take a while, but, maybe if we cause a distraction we can- Krieg, no!"

Before Mordecai could stop him, the other man was making his way to the nest, pulling dried skag meat from his pants pocket.

The birds began to screech at the intruder, flapping their wings and flaring their feathers to seem more menacing, but Krieg was undeterred. He held out the meat in his hand, waiting until the birds caught notice of it.

"What the hell is he doing...?"

When the birds caught sight of the meat, they began to calm down, but didn't let down their guard. The larger one, presumably the female, got to the food before her mate, who squawked angrily until Krieg pulled more meat from his pocket and offered it to him.

Mordecai was dumbfounded even more when the female waddled back into the nest and pushed a egg towards him. After giving them both a nuzzle with his mask, Krieg returned, a smaller-than-average egg in his arms.

"I am triumphant!" he cried as soon as he approached, startling the egg's parents.

"Yeah, you sure are, buddy," the sniper agreed, scratching his head. "Goddamn..."


	5. The cat goes baRK BARK BAKR KB KAS

"Uh, Maya?" Lilith called from the first floor of the HQ. "Can you please come down here? It's Krieg."

Groaning, Maya pushed herself from the war table and slowly made her way downstairs, where the rest of the Vault Hunters were gathered around Krieg, holding a...

"Is that a skag?"

The skag in Krieg's arms let out a roar at Maya, wiggling a bit and licking some blood off his mask. The psycho let out a giggle unlike any she'd heard from him.

"He, uh, found it in Lynchwood," Salvador explained. "Scooter asked us to help it out, but it sorta... imprinted on him. And vice versa. He refused to leave it alone."

"What should we do with it? I mean, it could go wild and attack us."

"It was tied to a post, so it's probably tame. It could be our mascot."

"Nuh-uh! Deathtrap is totally the mascot!"

While the rest of the group bickered among themselves, the skag and Krieg ignored them. The man scratched the underside of the beast's chin, cooing softly about murder as it grunted and tapped its leg.

Maya caught sight of a collar around its neck, a tag drawn into scrap metal. Dukino...

"What do you think, Maya? He's your boyfriend," Lilith said after all the arguments were exhausted.

She blushed for a moment before answering. "I think we should keep him. He really seems to like it."

Krieg hugged the skag, who licked his face.

"God, I hope we don't regret this," Lilith muttered.

"No worries! Lil' Dukino'll be the new Bloodwing!"


End file.
